Thoughts on being "home"

So... I knew. I knew it would be hard to come back ...possibly even harder than it was to go away. I knew that seeing everyone would be great... and it has been absolutely wonderful. I knew that walking into Walmart again would be weird... and it was super strange and uncomfortable. I knew that dealing with the logistics of a quick move from Texas to D.C. would be difficult... it's been really hard getting my act together. I knew thinking about starting school again after four years would be overwhelming... the anxiety AND excitement are both building.
I knew A LOT of things, but that doesn't mean I was ready... for any of it.

My friend Mary and her boyfriend came up from Kansas City to visit and it was a fabulous weekend. Then I spent this past week up in Milwaukee with my mom and sister visiting my grandma for a family reunion with my cousins and aunts and uncles... it was really wonderful to see them all again and catch up. I have gotten to catch up with my high school friend Trina and meet her boyfriend, and also Mark. Tomorrow I get to see Kristi and meet her new baby on the way to Iowa to surprise my grade school friend Tina and meet her new husband (they're visiting from France)! Then Monday it's off to Texas to visit peps and get my stuff and u-haul it up to D.C.

I have been floored by everyone's kindness... people going out of their way to see me, buying me meals, cooking for me, giving me gifts, letting me borrow cars and phones and computers (Jessi!), and just plain making me feel so welcome, missed, and appreciated. BUT...
They're not the same them and I'm not the same me.
Like my dad said in his sermon yesterday, going home again is never easy. It's never what you expect and things have always changed. I've realized that I've missed a lot while being gone I was so focused on my own experiences and what do you know, people have continued growing and moving on with their lives. I feel lost, behind, guilty even. How do I catch up? The answer is I can't. But then again, no one will fully understand or know the experiences and life that I've lived... the knowledge I've gained... the lessons I've learned... sometimes it seems like it's all a big dream.
Jessi put in a Disney mix CD the other day and you know that song from Aladdin called "A Whole New World?" Well, I've always loved that song, but never FELT the lyrics like I did in the car that day...

Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be
A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue

I know I experienced places that seemed like a whole new world to me, like the jungle for example, but it many ways coming back here with new eyes, a new mindset, and new perspective makes even Springfield seem like "a whole new world" in some ways. But more than anything, the line "I can't go back to where I used to be" resonates with me. I thank God for the opportunity to go AND to come back. What a privilege to be able to discover oneself and to realize that after a period of so much personal growth, one will never ever be the same.

There's a saying that "home is where the heart is..." if that's true, my home is in South America right now, cause I left a big chunk of my heart there. There's another saying that "Home is where you can scratch where it itches..." it that's true then I'm there right now! I venture to believe they're both true.

I've ordered my pictures, my mom and sister are helping me start a scrapbook... I've figured out a few things for grad school... I've eaten everything that I had really missed... I've gotten a new driver's license...I've watched my first episode of "Glee..." and I just made my first return trip to Starbucks...
It's safe to say I'm OFFICIALLY back stateside and enjoying my last few days of freedom and summer.... ooo and I'm also really enjoying Papa John's pizza and Culver's snicker custard! :)

Well, that's all for tonight, but I've decided I'm going to keep writing... I miss it! KK


“Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quietest chambers. The mind can never break off from the journey.”
– Pat Conroy