Scared...

What happens when people are scared of you just because of the way you look?  They assume certain things about you because of your skin color, or your hair, or your accent?

Most children, LOVE seeing a white person.  It's strange really... at first it was kinda fun being like a celebrity and all... everywhere I go children come running, yell "kilou, kilou", and wave, etc.  Even when I'm riding in a car... staring is the norm everywhere I go.  It gets old, always being watched.  

But what's worse is that there is a certain age of child that is scared to death of me.  I would say right around one to two years old.  Their face contorts, they start screaming and crying, usually an older child or adult holds them or tries to bring them closer... the fear is in their eyes.  It's a terrible feeling because I'm helpless to do ANYTHING!  I can't try to console them cause it only makes it worse, I can't go away because someone will bring them to follow me... they are scared not because of anything I've done, but WHO I am.  They've never seen anyone like me - that's what my co-workers say to try to make it better.

Yesterday we went to a community to monitor and meet with the adult literacy program teachers.  It was great for me and I have so many ideas for them and ways in which I think I can help.  I hope I get to go sit in on some of their classes!  BUT, my co-worker Maurice, told me later that one of the teachers took him outside before the meeting and said "you didn't prepare us to have a white woman... I don't know the questions she's going to ask... what if she fires me?"  He assured her that I was not a "boss" in DRC, and that I was just there to observe and ask questions.  She came back in, but reluctantly.  I HATED hearing this... they think I'm some kind of way JUST because of my skin color.  

Then, we were in another town where Maurice got to meet up with his son.  It was so great to see... as I don't often get to see my co-workers with their families.  Many live in other communities, etc.  He asked me "are you my daddy's boss lady?" The first question out of his mouth.

It's getting harder... it's fun to be the new person and to surprise/play with the children all the time... but it's not fun to be judged before people even get to know you!  The division between white and black, boss and worker, NGO and local, etc. is GLARING and FRUSTRATING!!!

The conclusion I've come to is... when you scare people, just prove them wrong!  Keep smiling, keep not living up to their expectations of white people, keep trying.  It works (to an extent).  This morning a little boy that has been too scared to wave and say hello to me, that I see every morning walking to work, finally smiled hugely this morning and waved and waved!  It was a great feeling!!

To be scared of the unknown... or the known... which is worse?

KK